When I became a mother I was terrified. My entire philosophy was literally this: If I heard advice from 5 or more people, I would assume it was true, and follow it. I was completely lost to my own instincts, following wherever random strangers, family, and friends led me. My kids were subjected to a hodgepodge of techniques and attempts to control their behavior. I attempted AP briefly, or portions of it, but it didn’t stick. I found that my entire focus was on my kids’ public, social behavior. Even privately at home, my efforts were to teach them behavior skills so they would not embarrass me in public. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. My kids embarrassed me in public all the time. I got angrier and angrier. All the behavioral books were not working; the punishment/rewards system was failing us. They refused to simply be quiet and make me look good. I blamed them for my unhappiness and became abusive. Abuse is ultimately where trying to control their behavior without nurturing a relationship led. When a punishment didn’t work, then a more severe punishment was found. I felt free to spank if they misbehaved, spank harder if they continued, sometimes missing, hitting backs, legs, etc. and hand prints and bruises began showing up. I felt free to put them in time out. So I would angrily yank them by the arm, often bruising them with my firm grip, and then lock them in a room while they screamed and cried, leaving them in there until they stopped. I had practiced sleep training when my first child was a baby. I would let her cry in her crib while I sat outside and sobbed so I had actually trained myself to ignore her cries. So years later when I was abusive, mean, and unfeeling, I simply ignored her cries. I was good at that! We were caught in a contest of wills, and I was determined to win.

Unfortunately, everybody lost. They were hurting inside and out. I tried to hide their bruises from my friends and family. I was ashamed, but I didn’t know what else to do. Also unfortunately, my husband, who was just a clueless as I was, followed my lead. Eventually I saw the effect our parenting was having on the kids and I prayerfully embarked on a journey of self discovery and change. I was led to Attachment Parenting. I had not considered AP a valid parenting method before, I even wrote a blog on how my brief attempt at being AP (without reading any books on it) had ended in “kids who won’t leave you alone, who are insecure and needy ALL the time…” But when I humbled myself enough to open my mind and realize that I had no idea what AP was really about and my experiments with it had been misguided, I started reading, learning, and changing. Now after practicing AP for years, the thought of injuring my children is appalling. They enjoy a safe, loving existence where they feel free to express their feelings, and know they will be heard. Subsequent babies have been listened to and cared for continually, and I have retrained myself to immediately hold, hug, and pay attention when I hear children crying. Now, it would bring my agony if I could not do so! The only bruises they receive are from falls, and those bruises are promptly kissed. I enjoy the release of a clear conscience. I am not perfect at it, but I never, ever, no matter how angry I get, resort to the controlling behaviorism that I once held so dear. AP helped us heal and helped me see my children as thinking, feeling people that I love. I continue to read articles on AP, seek out tutorials on YouTube, and read books on the subject so that I will never forget where I have been, and where I am going. It has now been 10 years since I became a mother, and I am now a gentle loving parent. I have no violent urges anymore, I never, ever spank or strike. In fact, I use no punishment whatsoever. I have formed close bonds with my kids that bring all of us joy. Their behavior, as a bonus, is amazingly wonderful the majority of the time. They listen, they try to understand, and they seek to maintain a closeness to me as well. I am so thankful to API and all those spreading the message of Attachment. It has been a compass for me that has never led me astray.